I have said goodbye to some
In the last short while
Bid farewell to one without
So much as a smile

Overwhelmed by the magnitude
Of all I had and lost
And what I wouldn’t do
To have them back at any cost

But perhaps indeed just some of these
Were only in my mind
Dreams and visions, hopes and plans
Each precious in their kind

Transfixing on the size and scale
Of all to be achieved
Immobilised and so unsure -
How can I best succeed
When all around is dismal past
And romanticised ideals?
Struggle through the joy and pain:
How should they really feel?

And now, quite unwillingly,
I’ll acquaint myself again
With solitude and distance
Far more foe than friend

I lay awake last night, some nine hours before my last exam scheduled for 9am this morning, and sometime between 12:01 and 12:37 (yes, AM) I realised that I was lying awake. This was only mildly perplexing – I’ve been studying late so my body clock is shunted forward (yes, again). But still, I have an exam the next same day and I find myself lying awake, staring at the ceiling.

I continued to lie awake and began to realise during these quiet moments of continued wakefulness the vastness of my current predicament. The room faded and diminished as I considered the first twelve months of the rest of my life.

In twelve hours, I considered, I would be finished yet another semester of my meaningful but prolonged and at times tedious pursuit of a law degree. I would then have four weeks of holidays with little prospect of much part time work but a whole lot of opportunity to relax, take deep breaths and widen my perspective.

It was at that moment I realised why I was still lying awake on the eve of another arbitrary milestone – because I really, really don’t want to stuff this up.

I realise the world is large and that there are many others around like me. While I have always been, and continue to be, a high achiever, I acknowledge that I’m not the sharpest mind in my class, my state or my nation, let alone the global community. But I lay awake and dreamed, with a little more hope and a little more ambition than previously, that I might become one of them and join the pursuit of shaping a better world.

It never fails to amaze me how small my worldview becomes at times – macro-focus on minor issues takes the beauty out of the vista. Perhaps it’s out of necessity, or perhaps I don’t know any better. And then, in moments of tranquility and crystal clarity, I realise my error.

In this realisation I urge you, too, dear reader…

Dream big, and then dream bigger than that.

Today was the day after the day after the Dancecorp National Dance Festival 2007. This year, having taken up ballroom and latin dancing classes once again, my dance partner and I got to enter the NDF competition and join in with all the fun activities that go along with it. And while we didn’t win anything in the competitive dancing, we had a great time. The significance of all this is that today was the day of our first dancing exam too, and it went wonderfully: 89% – Highly Commended!

It’s enjoyable to be becoming more and more proficient at something which is a bit different to the mainstream activities. It’s a simple matter of getting out and getting involved, because once you have it becomes obvious how much enjoyment can be had in return for such a little step as deciding to start.

(Pictures of the festivities can be seen in the new album…)

· · ·

Last night I visited some friends for dinner and got a chance to spend some time with their 7-month old son Nathaniel. They were most apologetic for his scratchy nature caused by overtiredness, but I wasn’t concerned in the slightest. I was simply grateful to be able to take part in the life of my godson again, and even a screaming child is part and parcel of the parental experience.

Despite his tiredness Nathaniel did manage to calm down enough to go through the bedtime routine, so I got to give him a bath and join in with the nighttime prayers. It was a profoundly holy and emotional experience to sit with such a vibrant young soul on my lap; to hear the great depth of love his parents express for him, night after night; to have him cuddle up in my shoulder or gaze into my eyes and reach out to touch my face.

The experience reminded me that my cerebral concerns about the present or the uncertain future are so worthless and empty compared to the reality of life and living here and now. Overanalysis of my little world has consumed the large proportion of my idle thought recently, and the moments I shared with Nathaniel before bed helped me, once again, to remember to draw my mind’s eye back and take in a wider perspective of the bigger picture.

It rained today, and I spent some time driving through it, listening to it, and getting wet in it. You see, rain is almost 100% water, and that’s a Good Thing in a nation suffering from the worst drought in recent history. It was the rain which reminded me that summer is well behind us, which in turn served to remind me that time is wearing on, as it does, in it’s plodding and determined way.

So this train of thought carries my mind’s travels to a question I asked someone recently: if you could change one thing about your life at the moment, what would that thing be? Unusually, perhaps, I had not formulated an answer to my own question before asking it, and it got me thinking quite deeply.

I recall saying eventually that I would sleep more, but I don’t think that was the key point. The fact is, during the end of last year and the start of this one I was feeling pretty hectic and equally dissatified with the level of unsatisfying activity I was involved in. But now, upon reflecting on my reflection, I realise something incredibly reassuring: I am, at last, quite pleased with the range and diversity of my life’s activities!

The mundane and the exciting have now balanced out, and while my level of activity overall has remained insanely high, the quality and fun-factor of my choice of activities has increased dramatically. I use the exciting to motivate myself for the mundane, and the result is a certain happiness combined with contentment that is simply superlative.

Let the good times never end…

Finishing is a sweet reward in itself, isn’t it? My assignment now being done, I can safely move on to more introspective and reflective pursuits…

This Yesterday morning I was driving to Uni, not really thinking about much at all, listening to Nova. As is usual on commercial radio, before long I was listening, quite passively, to an ad break. Surprise of all surprises: an ad caught my attention (for the second time in a couple of days, no less) and I was taken in.

It’s a defence force ad, talking about telecommunication engineers. The defence guys have been running this campaign for a while now, and I’d suggest it’s a fairly successful one. These ads contrast a “typically” dreary and unchallenging day-to-day work situation with a high energy, high responsibility, high urgency defence force emergency… The heat of combat. Chopper blades throbbing, equipment beeping, radio comms all around, and then the voiceover saying that a component is malfunctioning and you’re in charge. Now.

The thing is, I love to work “in the moment” – to think fast and use every skeric of detail available when time is short. Analyse it properly – there’s no room for error – but do it quickly, and come up with 3 options or a 5-step plan to remedy the situation. And do it with confidence, a little flair and a lot of good reasoning.

Well, this particular time the ad caught me right off guard, and it really hit home that there’s basically no way I’ll ever be in that kind of crisis/emergency leadership position. I’m studying and slaving and vying to get me a certified desk job, right on the top crease of the white collar, where us lawyers and CEOs and management consultants hob-nob and schmooze while the real emergencies rise or fall on other minds in other places.

I was processing the unexpected immensity of this realisation which welled up from within, and its depth meant that my mind drew a blank for a while. Still, I took the opportunity to change over to some music of my own choice and leave the ads behind. Like the Bond martini, I was a little shaken, but still mostly together.

Mashing play on my still-oh-so-cool Sony NW-S706F Network Walkman allowed its internal Shuffling Leprechauns to play a certain track by a particular diva who shall remain nameless (I’m pleading the 5th here). It was [early] 90s, it was live, and there is good reason for it to have spent time at #1. For a few minutes I was captured by the music, and the beautiful sounds those musicians created together made me catch my breath, enthralled.

If I wasn’t already sitting down I’m sure the second realisation in six minutes would have knocked me over.

I might never get the chance to respond to a crisis situation at the eleventh hour, but I am satisfied with the newfound understanding that I can still put my best white collar hours in at work for whatever greater good I deem worthwhile, and then go and experience the thrill and delight of making music with likeminded creative people. This is one thing at least which makes my heart leap, or soar, or weep, or yearn.

Shaken, and stirred.