Actually, I feel nothing. Whatever momentary delusion I was under certainly doesn’t reflect any ongoing state of being. Must have been a glitch.

I could, of course, be angry. Recently I’ve been given plenty of reason to be viciously enraged. But I’m not. I could be annoyed senseless at certain people or things. There’s ample justification. …Nope, not. I could rail against the situations and circumstances, fly off the handle, be downright mean. Perhaps that would fix a few things. At least things would change.

There’s just nothing there. It’s easier not to feel them at all.

Vanilla is a flavour, after all…

Its freedom curtailed no longer:
Long subdued, now burst free!
Eager optimism, unrestrained;
Surprisingly alive…

It is a peculiar grief to feel like you’ve lost something you never had;
to hope that all is not lost, and that not all hope is lost too…

I have said goodbye to some
In the last short while
Bid farewell to one without
So much as a smile

Overwhelmed by the magnitude
Of all I had and lost
And what I wouldn’t do
To have them back at any cost

But perhaps indeed just some of these
Were only in my mind
Dreams and visions, hopes and plans
Each precious in their kind

Transfixing on the size and scale
Of all to be achieved
Immobilised and so unsure -
How can I best succeed
When all around is dismal past
And romanticised ideals?
Struggle through the joy and pain:
How should they really feel?

And now, quite unwillingly,
I’ll acquaint myself again
With solitude and distance
Far more foe than friend

I lay awake last night, some nine hours before my last exam scheduled for 9am this morning, and sometime between 12:01 and 12:37 (yes, AM) I realised that I was lying awake. This was only mildly perplexing – I’ve been studying late so my body clock is shunted forward (yes, again). But still, I have an exam the next same day and I find myself lying awake, staring at the ceiling.

I continued to lie awake and began to realise during these quiet moments of continued wakefulness the vastness of my current predicament. The room faded and diminished as I considered the first twelve months of the rest of my life.

In twelve hours, I considered, I would be finished yet another semester of my meaningful but prolonged and at times tedious pursuit of a law degree. I would then have four weeks of holidays with little prospect of much part time work but a whole lot of opportunity to relax, take deep breaths and widen my perspective.

It was at that moment I realised why I was still lying awake on the eve of another arbitrary milestone – because I really, really don’t want to stuff this up.

I realise the world is large and that there are many others around like me. While I have always been, and continue to be, a high achiever, I acknowledge that I’m not the sharpest mind in my class, my state or my nation, let alone the global community. But I lay awake and dreamed, with a little more hope and a little more ambition than previously, that I might become one of them and join the pursuit of shaping a better world.

It never fails to amaze me how small my worldview becomes at times – macro-focus on minor issues takes the beauty out of the vista. Perhaps it’s out of necessity, or perhaps I don’t know any better. And then, in moments of tranquility and crystal clarity, I realise my error.

In this realisation I urge you, too, dear reader…

Dream big, and then dream bigger than that.