I am at home tonight, a Saturday night, and notably without anything to do, for perhaps the first time this year. Despite the freedom from pressure, expectation or responsibility, it’s difficult to relax.

I find myself yearning for deep interaction and relationship, and the familiar taste of this desire has become bland through regular dining.

I wonder if perhaps my social circles are incomplete, deficient in a pertinent way, and what I should do about it.

I would love to be able to just call one friend or another on the spur of this empty moment and eagerly decide to flit about, do coffee, or a movie, or even just a chat. A phone conversation for more than just planning or exchanging facts – now there’s a novel idea.

I am resigned to feeling misplaced – solitude can be wonderful, but all I can think about is its opposite.

What a tangled web we weave… Yet even in its entanglement, my web has holes.

EDIT: This fixation is not an attempt to solicit sympathy and socialisation. I’m just venting to the void, as usual…

The only proven way to replace existentialism with endorphins.

From xkcd.com

This little gem was originally found at http://squigley.net/junk/new/LifeExpl.jpg.
Love it.

Could it be a real problem that I experience feelings of trepidation and anxiety when certain names, events or experiences which were once dear to me now cross into my awareness? For this is exactly what I find occurring at times, daily or more, and notably more prevalent since the start of this year. Only now have I realised that these feelings weigh so heavy on my heart, my subconscious screaming of a great personal urgency and significance I do not understand.

I wonder if these undesirable and undesired feelings are a product of recent experience. Have I overdone it? What have I done? How could I change that now?

On the other hand, I wonder if these circumstances present an opportunity to break away from the world they describe, and move into a different phase of life? A different sphere of influence, perhaps, opening up the boundaries of friendships, activities, skills and pursuits? As I reread these thoughts (longings?) my heart leaps and I am cheered a little at the prospect of a better life.

One thing I do know – the present condition is incredibly taxing, and the toll it’s exacting is directly proportionate to the size of the knot in my gut. It’s abundantly clear: something has to change. And in the changing, I foretell that others are likely to be surprised, shocked, even offended.

But what is a life if not personal, and what is a personal life if not preferential, or worse, not enjoyable?

You have been warned. Or you will have been. Whatever.

I am officially Rocking Out tonight. It’s just me, here in my solitude, entombed in my bedroom haven. But for now, with only a little imagination, I could be hanging off the stage at the loudest, blackest, rocking-outest metal concert this clean-cut jazz-loving ballad-playing anti-emo ever dared to think about dreaming about.

There is head nodding. And rocking back and forth in time with the rocking out drummer as he punctuates every slide, slap and sizzle the bass player coerces from his axe. Eerie, haunting lead vocals. Crunchy, angry electric guitar distortion cranked up to 11.

And I just turned it up. Rock. Rock on.