The last days, say up to a week or so, have been hectic, emotional, and tiresome.

Work is stressful because I can’t devote enough time to it to meet expectations and promises. Uni gets pushed further and further back on the shelf of things to do next, and sleep is gathering dust even further back in a dim cobwebby corner.

Still I must go about my day to day existence, meeting all the requirements I impose on myself. But for what? I find that I’m not deriving an inherent reward worth this much – surely there is more enjoyment to be had from each day. Indeed, if life is short and days are numbered, I had better be doing it for the right reason. So then I ask myself, “Self, what is it that drives you?”

First with surprise, and then with resignation, my answer is Duty.

Duty – the one thing which is stands apart from the rest. The primary reason I bother to rise every morning. I feel duty bound to achieve, to excel, to exceed. It is a duty to self, yes, but I feel it directed also to God, family and friends. Funny how this duty seems to take prominence above all other possible motivation. How I wish it was anything else: growth, passion, love, excitement, opportunity, faith.

I wonder now if there isn’t a better way to do all of this. Of particular note is the fact that busyness can always be manageable until it becomes overwork, after which point the sun wanes, espresso is bland uninteresting sludge and jazz is a mountain of skill I’ll never acquire.

Naturally this doesn’t fit my worldview – I’m an optimist, darn it, and I will be optimistic. But a schoolyard bully of an idea creeps up and tries to pick a fight: what if my optimistic cheer is my mask? Is it a healthy self-leadership example so as not to burden others with more grey pessimism, or a façade closing people out and guarding them from the melancholy in me?

Optimism in the face of the mundane, of duty and overwork. This is my struggle.

Over the last little while, since my last fixation on the vicissitudes of life, I have been wanting to write another entry to describe life’s next, and current, phase. I wanted to describe in clear, incisive detail exactly how I was feeling about the world, about busyness, and about love.* However, it soon became apparent that there was an insurmountable problem.

I didn’t have the slightest clue how I felt.

Well, to be more precise (if less dramatic), I didn’t have the slightest clue how to describe how I felt. Words failed me for a long time, and the best I could do was create a narrative about the way events and circumstances were falling together. That is, until now…

(A quick disclaimer: after the jump, I wax long, deep and personal. Feel free to pass it by if you’re hoping to read something light, fluffy or not introspective. Otherwise, onward!)

(more…)

I just got myself one of the newest Sony Network Walkmans (with the oh-so-memorable model number NW-S706F). Why, you might ask, do I need another gadget? Well, this one is oh-so-cool. Its firmware could do with an update to improve its usability but it certainly has chic styling, solid build quality and unsurpassed sound quality.

I’m sure that this new Sony product resulted from their best dreamers having a meeting (in their typically forward-thinking Japanese style) for the sole purpose of breathing life and style into the portable music player market. It feels like the mission for this device was to be the best player on the market, period. No holds barred. Just make it sound the best, look the best, feel the best. But I’m not here to extol the virtues of yet another portable music player. Rather, I’m here to tell you why I think this is such a refreshing change for Sony.

It seems to me that the Sony way used to be quite clearly defined – build high quality audio-visual products for all segments of the market. However, it feels like they lost their way over the last few years, probably due to their MemoryStick, ATRAC3 and MD exclusivity. They bought into their own tech too much and locked everyone out in the process. The world passed them by, and, more importantly, Apple made an iPod and an iMac and an iBook and now an iPhone. Sony floundered in a sea of mediocrity, despite having an arsenal of good technology and a design methodology with impeccable taste. Frankly, I lost all confidence that they still wanted to be the best.

The funny thing is, they had every reason to maintain their general marketability while also releasing better-than-the-rest products to the top niches. That excellence in certain product leadership brings a certain culture and drive to the company which then permeates to all their other products, be they alarm clocks or telephones.

But I think that this new device, the one I’m listening to at this very moment, could mark a change in the weather. And the most refreshing thing about it is seeing the stalwart brand proudly displayed on a piece of tech which leaves the rest of the market well behind.

Welcome back Sony.

I am at home tonight, a Saturday night, and notably without anything to do, for perhaps the first time this year. Despite the freedom from pressure, expectation or responsibility, it’s difficult to relax.

I find myself yearning for deep interaction and relationship, and the familiar taste of this desire has become bland through regular dining.

I wonder if perhaps my social circles are incomplete, deficient in a pertinent way, and what I should do about it.

I would love to be able to just call one friend or another on the spur of this empty moment and eagerly decide to flit about, do coffee, or a movie, or even just a chat. A phone conversation for more than just planning or exchanging facts – now there’s a novel idea.

I am resigned to feeling misplaced – solitude can be wonderful, but all I can think about is its opposite.

What a tangled web we weave… Yet even in its entanglement, my web has holes.

EDIT: This fixation is not an attempt to solicit sympathy and socialisation. I’m just venting to the void, as usual…

The only proven way to replace existentialism with endorphins.

From xkcd.com