Over the last little while, since my last fixation on the vicissitudes of life, I have been wanting to write another entry to describe life’s next, and current, phase. I wanted to describe in clear, incisive detail exactly how I was feeling about the world, about busyness, and about love.* However, it soon became apparent that there was an insurmountable problem.

I didn’t have the slightest clue how I felt.

Well, to be more precise (if less dramatic), I didn’t have the slightest clue how to describe how I felt. Words failed me for a long time, and the best I could do was create a narrative about the way events and circumstances were falling together. That is, until now…

(A quick disclaimer: after the jump, I wax long, deep and personal. Feel free to pass it by if you’re hoping to read something light, fluffy or not introspective. Otherwise, onward!)

The Narrative Begins
At the weekend just past I was asked a key question which served to unlock the entrance to the Hall of Understanding. The question was in the vein of “How are you?” but was followed by the rider “How’s your soul?” Naturally there is a clear distinction between the two questions: the former is almost throwaway, but the latter is deeper and more introspective. I commented on the vast disparity in depth embodied by those questions while gathering my thoughts and, always ready to think aloud, my initial answer was to the effect of “Frantic, and a little frazzled.”

Now, this may not seem like an earth-shattering revelation, and indeed, at the time, it wasn’t. But yesterday I was on the bus and it occurred to me that it is quite a challenge, even a shock, for me to transition from one major life activity to another. For the last four-ish months I’ve worked full time and have enjoyed it very much. Last week I began my fifth year of University, which is my 18th straight year of “institutionalised” study. I have now been studying for almost 80% of my life. While this statistic isn’t revelatory on it’s own, it is helpful in that it points toward the workforce as the goal – the study is not an end in itself. Daily productivity is the end goal, and the study is merely a tool to achieve the entry to the type of productivity I would like to be involved in in an ongoing capacity.

It is the transition between one full time pursuit to another which caused me to become, not misplaced, but rather, displaced. I had to reestablish where I was, and that much more mentally (emotionally? spiritually?) than geographically.

Today, then, in a moment of clarity, I stepped through the Hall of Understanding’s newly unlocked door when I happened to fixate on a word which suitably describes this life phase. That word is “thresholds”.

The Excursus: About Thresholds
I find that I am usually able to segregate life into its component parts quite easily. Uni, work, old friends, new friends, family, church and ministry, personal development, fitness, etc. Achieving that segregation, life then becomes a game of thresholds. If I take more than one particular aspect of life to excess, the healthy threshold is exceeded and, as I so recently experienced, I find cause to describe my soul as “frantic”.

The Narrative Continues
Managing thresholds can be tricky. At this time of life, my primary focus is on Uni, as I feel that focused application will stand me in good stead for the next phase of life (which I foretell will be dubbed “exhausted contentment”). However, there are other things which enter into my awareness and consume valuable processing time. Balancing personal relationships is one of these things, and a particularly relevant conversation, had at a later time with the same person who asked the previous key question, stands out in my memory. The conversation was joined by a married couple (mutual friends – let’s call them A and B), but it was primarily between myself and another single Christian guy (he can be C). Because of our likemindedness (and equivalent relationship status), C and I had a probing chat about the pursuit of significant relationships, and it soon became apparent that it was another opportunity for me to process my atypical lack of words on this life phase.

Part of this conversation involved a discussion about possibilities, which I will refer to as “potential eventualities”. My friend C was asking some targeted questions about relationships, attraction and personal preferences, and the specificity of his questioning pushed me into mental overdrive. Isn’t it ironic that in dealing with matters of the heart, when the head often tries to take charge, the heart always has some (bewilderingly irrational) effect?

For me, thresholds are not fixed – they fluctuate according to perceived priority. When C asked why I was not interested in deliberately pursuing a relationship to explore its future significance I had to pause and gather my thoughts. Ultimately, the reasoning behind not pursuing such a relationship comes down to threshold priority and rationalisation (in the “combining to improve” sense). That is, I would be willing to reduce my Uni threshold (which, incidentally, is at an all-time-high level) if I expected a particular relationship to develop into romantic companionship – it would then be a “soul mate” relationship and I expect it would help to rationalise the rest of life. Currently, however, I do not experience this expectation with any of my personal relationships. Any number of relationships may well become a “potential eventuality” as mentioned above, but I intend to allow them to develop naturally in the course of day-to-day living, rather than in an exclusive and deliberate manner in lieu of the Uni threshold’s priority. Indeed, the successful development of any potential relationship to that level would need to appear incredibly likely for me to consider actively pursuing it at this time.

The Conclusions (Finally!)
The upshot of today’s fixation is this: given current thresholds, relationships and circumstances, I am largely content. Content to continue studying. Content to remain single, while maintaining an open mind to potential eventualities as I venture into the unknown future. Content to balance priorities and thresholds as necessary. The corollary is that I think I would be less content and still more frantic should I pursue a relationship, such as one of the kind C and I discussed, at this time. Of course, finding such a “soul mate” is always a welcome prospect, but unless it’s an incredibly attractive prospect (see what I did there?) I’ll maintain a high priority on the threshold of Uni and, more generally, the threshold of maintaining life balance.

* Yes, the last entry in that list is mostly gratuitous, but it was certainly fun to write.