Could it be a real problem that I experience feelings of trepidation and anxiety when certain names, events or experiences which were once dear to me now cross into my awareness? For this is exactly what I find occurring at times, daily or more, and notably more prevalent since the start of this year. Only now have I realised that these feelings weigh so heavy on my heart, my subconscious screaming of a great personal urgency and significance I do not understand.

I wonder if these undesirable and undesired feelings are a product of recent experience. Have I overdone it? What have I done? How could I change that now?

On the other hand, I wonder if these circumstances present an opportunity to break away from the world they describe, and move into a different phase of life? A different sphere of influence, perhaps, opening up the boundaries of friendships, activities, skills and pursuits? As I reread these thoughts (longings?) my heart leaps and I am cheered a little at the prospect of a better life.

One thing I do know – the present condition is incredibly taxing, and the toll it’s exacting is directly proportionate to the size of the knot in my gut. It’s abundantly clear: something has to change. And in the changing, I foretell that others are likely to be surprised, shocked, even offended.

But what is a life if not personal, and what is a personal life if not preferential, or worse, not enjoyable?